Conflict Isn’t the Problem. Avoidance Is.

You’re not imagining it; something’s off. Deadlines are slipping, decisions are slower, and meetings are tense and unproductive. But no one’s saying anything directly. And everyone has a smile on their faces (even if it’s not their typical full smile). We all get along just fine. Sound familiar?

This is what conflict avoidance looks like. And it’s quietly draining your team’s potential.

My mom often says with pride, “I don’t deal with conflict; I’m a diplomat!” However, being a diplomat doesn’t always mean addressing conflict constructively, at least not in her case. It may mean sticking your head in the sand and not addressing the real issues.

In professional services firms, where client demands are high and time is tight, unresolved tension doesn't always explode; it simmers. It shows up as passive-aggressive emails, dropped balls, gossip in the halls/group texts/Zoom chats…or that familiar phrase, “I’ll just handle it myself.”

But the real issue? Most leaders don’t think they or their teams have a conflict problem. They do have a communication problem that’s caused by avoiding hard conversations.

The Hidden Costs of Avoiding Conflict

According to a study by CPP Inc. (publisher of the Myers-Briggs assessment), U.S. employees spend an average of 2.8 hours per week dealing with conflict, costing businesses an estimated $359 billion annually in lost productivity.

But here’s the kicker:

• 67% of employees say they avoid confronting their colleagues at all

• 76% believe conflict leads to something negative

• Yet 98% of employees who’ve had conflict training say it helped them do their job better
  

Unaddressed conflict doesn’t go away. It festers. I’ve seen high-performing teams start to erode not because of a lack of talent, but because no one will call out missed commitments, passive resistance, or misalignment in goals.

A Story From the Field: Silence Costs More Than Speaking Up

One client I work with, Janet, a partner at a midsize law firm, was leading a high-stakes case. She found herself constantly revising work from her peers and associates. Rather than address it with her colleagues, she stayed silent, trying to maintain harmony and avoid being labeled a micromanager.

But her silence came at a cost. Associates were confused about priorities, deadlines slipped, and resentment built on both sides. Her peers complained about her, and her unwillingness (in their minds) to let them do their piece and lend their expertise.

We worked together to craft language that was clear, calm, and constructive. She finally named the pattern, “I’ve noticed we’re revisiting decisions after we've agreed on a strategy. Can we talk through how we want to handle this?”  Janet was surprised the conversation didn’t lead to conflict. It led to clarity. 

Her peers shared their frustrations. Although that first conversation was a little tense, everything was put on the table. It was hard feedback for Janet to hear, and yet, once she digested it, she realized her level of involvement was creating more stress for everyone, especially her. That shift changed how they collaborated going forward.

Why Leaders Avoid, and What It Costs

Leaders often avoid conflict because:

• They don’t want to hurt relationships

• They fear being seen as confrontational

• They are unsure how to bring it up without making things worse
  

But what avoidance actually does is to signal to your team that tension is to be tiptoed around, not worked through. That plants seeds of doubt and weakens trust.

A study in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that teams that engage in open, task-related conflict (as opposed to personal attacks) actually perform better than those that avoid disagreements entirely.

The 3-Step Tool for Navigating Constructive Conflict

To move from avoidance to aligned action, I teach leaders to use this simple, high-trust framework:

1. Name the Pattern (Not the Person)

➡ “I’ve noticed we’ve revised the strategy and plan several times after meetings. Let’s talk about why that’s happening.”

2. Own Your Role

➡ “I realize I haven’t clarified what’s locked and what’s still open to feedback. I will fix that.”

3. Ask for Collaboration

➡ “What would make our collaboration easier going forward?”

This approach keeps the conversation focused on forward motion, rather than blame.

Bottom Line: Conflict is Inevitable. Avoidance is Optional.

You don’t have to love conflict. But as a leader, you do have to face it.  Handled well, it builds clarity, strengthens relationships, and accelerates performance.

Don’t sweep conflict under the rug. Address it today, so you don’t trip on it tomorrow.

Want your leaders to move from avoidance to alignment, without damaging relationships?

This is exactly what I help mid-level teams and leaders do, through leadership development workshops, firm retreats, and leadership offsites.