The Feedback Fog: Why Polite Suggestions Don’t Change Anything
And what to do instead.
A few years ago, I was coaching a high-performing associate at a law firm, we’ll call her Rachel. The partner she worked with most frequently praised her work ethic and ability to juggle client matters without dropping the ball. On paper, everything looked great. But behind closed doors, Rachel was frustrated and confused. She wasn’t assigned to the complex cases. She felt stuck. The only feedback she ever received: “Keep up the good work.”
No mention of how she could grow. No insight into what was holding her back from becoming a partner. Just vague encouragement, week after week.
This is what I call the feedback fog: when leaders default to polite, generalized suggestions or soft praise instead of giving direct, actionable input. It feels supportive in the moment. But it’s not useful. Nor is it feedback. And it’s certainly not leadership. It is practicing Lazy Leadership - even if unintentional.
Why Feedback Matters at Every Level
In fast-paced and high-achieving environments, time is tight and stakes are high. It’s easy to treat feedback as optional, or worse, as something only junior people need.
But the data says otherwise.
A study published in Harvard Business Review found that 72% of employees said their performance would improve if their managers provided corrective feedback, and 92% agreed that “negative (redirecting) feedback, if delivered appropriately, is effective at improving performance.”
According to Gallup, only 26% of employees strongly agree that the feedback they receive helps them do better work, revealing a massive opportunity for improvement across professional teams.
McKinsey research shows that organizations with a strong culture of feedback perform up to 25% better financially than those without one, especially when feedback is tied to clear expectations and development goals.
The message is clear: feedback isn’t a bonus. It’s a leadership responsibility. And one of the highest ROI activities a leader can prioritize.
The Hidden Cost of Avoidance
So why do so many smart, well-intentioned leaders dodge it?
Because it’s uncomfortable. It feels risky. And in professional services firms, where relationships are everything, most leaders confuse kindness with vagueness.
Here’s what I see too often:
An associate misses deadlines or fumbles communication with clients. Instead of addressing it directly, the leader says, “Let me know if you need help staying on top of things.”
A partner consistently derails meetings. Instead of coaching them on presence or clarity, the senior partner avoids putting them in the spotlight.
A partner is mismanaging relationships with his colleagues, and people don’t want to work with him. Rather than providing feedback, senior leaders talk to others about it, hoping the message will get back to him (and they don’t have to have the uncomfortable conversation).
These polite workarounds send a clear message, even if unintentionally: You’re not worth the discomfort of a real conversation.
Is this the message you want to send?
It’s costly. In teams without regular, honest feedback, Gallup found that employees are 3.5 times more likely to be disengaged, leading to lower productivity and higher turnover.
Bottom line: The Tradeoff between Clarity and Comfort
Here’s the hard truth: When you withhold feedback because it’s easier for you, you’re prioritizing your own comfort over someone else’s growth.
Leadership is not about staying comfortable. It’s about building others, especially when it’s hard. When you step up to give real, actionable feedback, you’re doing more than just course-correcting behavior. You’re sending a signal that you believe in their ability to improve. That you’re invested in their success.
From Fog to Clarity: Giving Feedback That Lands
Effective feedback isn’t just about what you say. It’s how you say it, and how consistently you show up to guide growth.
Here’s what I teach my clients who are serious about feedback to change behavior:
1. Be specific and forward-focused.
Don’t dwell on the mistake. Focus on what better is. Instead of “You weren’t clear in the meeting,” say, “In future meetings, outline your recommendation first, so the team knows where you’re headed.”
2. Share your intention.
Clarify that you’re offering this because you want them to succeed. This simple framing lowers defensiveness and invites partnership: “I’m giving you this feedback because I see what you’re capable of, and I want others to see that too.”
3. Focus on patterns, not isolated moments.
One late email? Not a problem. A habit of unclear communication? That’s a leadership conversation.
4. Don’t delay.
When feedback waits for a formal review, it loses momentum. Say something within 48 hours while the moment is still fresh. If emotions are high (for either one of you) I recommend practicing the 24-hour rule (sleep on it to gain clarity).
Feedback Is a Two-Way Street
And finally, the most overlooked aspect of giving feedback? Listening.
Your feedback is only one part of the story. The rest lives in the recipient’s experience, interpretation, and reality. Make space for their point of view, even when it surprises you.
This is especially critical when working across lines of difference, whether generational, cultural, or cognitive. Trust isn’t built through monologues. It’s built when leaders show they’re willing to listen, learn, and adapt.
Ask questions like:
“How did that land for you?”
“What support would help you apply this going forward?”
“What am I missing from your perspective?”
These questions don’t dilute your leadership. They deepen it.
Clear Is Kind. Polite Is Self-Protective.
The best leaders aren’t the ones who avoid conflict, sugarcoat feedback, or hope improvement happens on its own. They’re the ones who say the thing that needs to be said, with clarity, with care, and with the confidence that the people around them are capable of growth.
Because they are. But only if you’re willing to help them see it.
As Wharton Professor Adam Grant says, direct in your messaging; Kind in your delivery.
